I am going to write to you every couple of days to make sure you know that I am still here and I love you. No matter what you are told about me – remember the truth. What you have actually experienced.
POST 10 – 5/23/2026
Guess what?! Matt won an award! We got to go to this fancy pants dinner downtown Windsor and he got called up on stage for an Award of Excellence! Super cool. Hope all is well with you pig!
POST 9 – 5/2/2026
Hey Kiddo. Missing you a lot this morning. It’s like missing a piece of my heart today. Crying helps. I love you.
POST 8 – 4/28/2026
Hey Kiddo!
Jess and I just got back from Annapolis AND LOOK AT THIS DESSERT I HAD! OMG!!! SUGAR! We miss you kiddo. Love you.
POST 7 – 4/21/2026
Cali-weed! I hope things are going great with you 😊
We just helped Matt move a bunch of stuff in to his new house. It’s so exciting that he is heading out into the world to become a whole adult and start a life of his own. Scary as his Dad but still super exciting.
Landen is learning the drums! He goes for lessons as the music academy that you go to and he has a drum set in the living room LOL. He is about half interested in the process but he is trying. Oh and! HE LEARNED TO RIDE A BIKE!!! Matt actually taught him how. He was so proud to show his mom.
Speaking of, Jess is doing well too. She has a big dinner at work and had to make a centerpiece for each table and since it’s the library she used a book, opened to about the middle with the pages looped over covering in flowers and a sign with the table number. So pretty.
Gramma was fixating on a fire extinguisher so we started taking selfies with every fire extinguisher we saw out in the world and sending them to her 😊 We do it cause we love her!
Things are good with me. Getting Lady K ready to go back in the water and work is going good. I miss you kiddo. Hope all is well.
POST 6 – 4/14/2026
Hey kiddo 😊
Good chance you aren’t reading this but just in case, I am here writing.
Right now in this moment, I exist in a world where I haven’t missed any of your important things like graduation yet. But, the world moves fast and soon I will miss a bunch of stuff. I wish so badly we could reconcile our differences sooner rather than later. In the spirit of that, I thought I would write down some realities as I see them – things we would have to do to be close again:
- Accept that my constitution does not allow me to let your Mom have access to me until she gets help. I won’t talk to you about her any further (unless you bring her up) but, she is not allowed access to me at present. I know you love her and you should, she is a great Mom and great person so keep doing that.
- I am your father and as such, I am obligated to call out when you’re acting some kind of way – like at Carolyns. Now mind you, I did an awful job of it in that example but, that’s my own shortcoming. I need to do better but, still I have the right to call out behavior to help you be the best version of yourself you can be. It is my experience and love that are meant to help guide you into adulthood. Us not using it would be doing you an injustice. When I do call out something and do it properly, you and I need to be able to talk about it respectfully. I think you we are capable of that.
I understand our relationship might be too far damaged for all this but, I thought I would put it out there just in case. Even if I don’t get to talk to you again for years, I will still be here, still loving you and cheering you on from a bit further away.
Love you kiddo 😊 You’re doing a great job!
POST 5 – 4/12/2026
Moving forward is a struggle. I think the biggest part of me today to understand is that my sobriety doesn’t leave room for abusive people. My mental health journey doesn’t allow for anyone around me to abuse me – talk down to me – manipulate me into something smaller that they can control. I am not small anymore.
I am not required to sacrifice my journey for someone who refuses to take the first step on theirs.
My healing is worth defending. My purpose is worth defending. I wish I could have a relationship with you AND ignore the abuse I must suffer from your Mom to do it, but I can’t. To have a relationship with you, she needs to stay away from me.
POST 4 – 4/11/2026
I am very sorry for how today went kiddo. When the truth comes out it can be rough. I never wanted for it to end up like this, that’s for sure. I will be here some day down the road if you want to talk and have a relationship. I will keep writing here just incase you ever read it. I love you <3
POST 3 – 4/11/2026
Saturday – we’re doing brunch today! Gah we miss you so much. Gramma asks about you all the time.
I barely slept last night worried about you.
Your Mom yelling all the time, throwing stuff, and abusing the dogs. I worry that she is unravelling because her work is not going her way and then taking it out on everyone around her. She’s always been like that – even when we were kids. Nothing has ever been her fault.
I remember when her and Joe broke up and he came to me to talk. He had realized that she would twist around things that happened to make everything his fault – she would remember things just a little different than they happened – just enough so she could be the victim of some diabolical plot against her – while no one was actually against her. We called it her “reality distortion field”.
Now Matthew says the same things. “Mom said I am an awful son and a bad person and blames me for everything but I didn’t even say anything to her, she just came at me screaming!”
Remember when me and you texted about getting together and you said your Mom has to be there but I said no? Right after that she unloaded on Matthew – I think because she doesn’t have access to abuse me anymore.
I am sorry about that again – she has abused me for decades and I can’t allow her anywhere near me anymore. I have a very healthy existence now and she will try to destroy it.
I still can’t believe she kicked Matt out. Crazy. And then when he came with the police to get his clothes and stuff she said “You can’t come in because Cali is scared of you!” As if she needs to protect you from your own brother. He loves you. She just wants to control him. As if beatign the dogs isn’t enough for her anymore.
If you ever feel like she is blaming you for everything and you didn’t actually do anything wrong, you aren’t alone. She is sick and she needs help.
Now that she doesn’t have access to me and Matt has blocked her too, I worry that you will be her next target. Or Sarah. I hope you two both recognize abuse and call it out. You both deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
Her Dad had mental issues around this age so I am a bit worried she may have the same and no one knows it.
I am not sayign she doesn’t love you but she needs help. She is sick.
Matt and I will both be out in the world and available to you at any time. If you ever need anything either one of us will help you immediately. We love you.
If you want to better understand what your Mom is doing, these two topics would be good to read about – here are two articles:
How to Deal With a Narcissist: 9 Strategies for Disarming Narcissistic Control
Victim mentality: How to identify and cope with it
POST 2 – 4/10/2026
Today is awful 🙁
Matts calling me from the sidewalk infront of your house crying. The police are there and she told him he cant have his stuff because his sister is scared of him. Imagine doing that to someone? Telling them their loved ones are scared of them. This is so painful to have to watch.
I wish I could call you and tell you how much I miss you. I hope you can see through it and see that she is sick and needs help. Her abuse of the dogs and always yelling. Her always being the victim and never owning anything. She needs medical help.
Please know that none of this is your fault and that you’re amazing.
Someday I hope you’ll be freinds with me again kiddo. I love you.
POST 1 – 4/7/2026
I put this here so you can read it whenever you want, in your own time.
Hey Kiddo,
I miss the boiled carrots.
The driving lessons on gravel roads.
Spaghetti nights. Saturday brunch.
Bouncey castles in the yard.
I miss you helping me in the kitchen, grading cheese, and the trips to the water park.
I miss you coming to me with friend problems, and then coming back a week later to tell me how it all turned out.
When I think about us over the years… Daddy pig and daughter pig… just me and you… I don’t need anyone to explain that to me. I lived it. And so did you.
If you look with your own eyes, hear with your own ears, and feel with your own heart… you already know who I am.
That’s the part I want you to trust.
If you take everything you’ve been told about me… and set it aside for a moment… and just compare it to what you’ve actually experienced with me… what you’ve seen, heard, and felt yourself… what lines up? And what doesn’t?
You don’t have to answer that to anyone else. Just be honest with yourself.
I’m still here. I still love you. That hasn’t changed for a second.
There are a couple things I want to talk about. You don’t have to read them all at once, and you don’t have to agree with me. I just want you to think about them.
About Carolyn’s
I want to start with something important. I lost my temper with you in the car that day. I shouldn’t have. I handled it poorly, and I am sorry. I never want to hurt you.
At the same time, I want you to think about something.
That was a very heavy day. Everyone was dealing with a lot emotionally. I had a lot on my plate, trying to manage things that needed to get done.
You really wanted to be involved, and I understand why. You cared. That part of you is something I love.
But there were moments where what you wanted and what the situation needed didn’t quite line up.
So here’s the question I’d ask you:
Do you think there are times where you might ask for a lot of attention or things to go a certain way… even when the situation might not be able to support that?
That’s not a flaw. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Most of the time, it’s actually part of what makes you you, and it’s something I’ve always found endearing.
But like anything, it’s something to be aware of and grow with.
About what’s been happening more recently
I want to be very careful here, because I’m not trying to tell you what to think about anyone.
I just want you to think.
Last night, Matthew called me and asked for help. I stayed on the phone and listened to what was happening in real time.
From what I heard, he was calm. He wasn’t yelling back.
At the same time, I heard a lot of yelling directed at him, including things about who he is as a person.
Based on what I was hearing, I told him to call the police.
So I want to ask you a few things:
Have you heard different versions of what happened?
Do you feel like you’re getting the full picture, or just one side of it?
When someone is calm and the other person is escalating… how do you usually interpret that?
Has anyone tried to explain to you whose fault it was… before you had a chance to think it through yourself?
And if someone tells you something is Matthew’s fault… or my fault… does that explanation fully match what you’ve seen and experienced yourself?
More generally:
Have you ever noticed situations where questions are asked in a way that feels like there’s already a “right” answer?
Have you ever felt like you were being guided toward thinking or feeling a certain way about someone… even if your own experiences didn’t fully match that?
When that happens… what does that feel like to you?
Do your opinions feel like they’re fully yours?
I’m not asking you to take my side.
I’m asking you to trust yourself.
To look at what you’ve actually experienced in your life… and let that guide you.
There’s one more thing I want to explain clearly.
I want to sit down and talk with you. That matters to me more than anything.
At the same time, I need to do that in a way that feels calm and safe, where we can both actually be heard. From my experience, I’m not able to have that kind of conversation if your mom is present.
That’s not about asking you to choose sides, and it’s not about judging anyone. It’s about me understanding what I can and can’t do in a healthy way.
What I am open to is having another adult there so you feel comfortable and supported. That could be your therapist, my therapist, or any neutral person you trust.
My only boundary is that it can’t be your mom.
If that doesn’t feel comfortable right now, I understand. We can take our time, or find another way to talk. There’s no pressure.
I love you. I’m here. That doesn’t change.
And whenever you’re ready, I’ll be right here waiting.